December 10, 2005: My Heart Had Gone Beyond Breaking...

I tried and failed to think of my world without Kechi. I did not even think of being upset with God because He is my everything. I turned to Him now and started to speak.

“Okay, Lord. My baby is gone. But you know what? You are still God. You are still sovereign. I still love You. Thank You for sixteen wonderful years with her. But promise me one thing. That I will be with Kechi again one day.”

Then I wanted to die right then so I could be with Kechi again, but then I remembered Chizitara, my miracle daughter, so called because I had her eleven years after Kechi, when I had given up hope of having another child. “So, okay, Lord, this is why You gave me Chizitara, so I won't be left without a child. I thank You.”

Then, knowing the strength of Kechi's love for me, I knew that she would not be happy, even in heaven, if she thought I would be inconsolable. I looked up to the sky and said, “Kechi, it's okay, baby. Go with Jesus. Mommy will be fine, I promise you. Sweetheart, you know we will be together again one day. I promise you right now that I will live the rest of my life in such a way that when the end comes, I will be in heaven with you. Go on, love. I love you”. Then I started to sing,

“Because He lives, I can face tomorrow

Because He lives, all fear is gone

Because I know He holds my future

My life is worth a-living

Just because He lives”

As I was singing, I was walking back to the airport building. I passed  many  parents  expressing  their  sorrow  and  grief  in different ways. The two memories that still stick out in my mind during that walk from the tarmac to the airport building were of two women. One was just rolling on the ground, first one way, and then the other way, screaming and crying and calling her child's name. Another woman was screaming at her husband, “Where is my son? Go and get my son for me. I told you that he should take the bus back but you said he should fly with his schoolmates. Oya, where is he? Where is my son?” The poor, confused man, tears streaming from his eyes, was trying to hold her but she beat him off, slapping him, out of her mind with pain.

At this point, I still had not shed a single tear. Some part of me knew this was unusual and unnatural so I called Chigozie, who had stuck beside me during my race to the tarmac, and told him that he should stay nearby because I feared that I was not myself. When I wondered about my lack of tears, I felt that I was waiting for Mike to come before I could collapse.

To be continued...